Oh, Dana! #14: Cry me a river

Dana Buckmir
Dana Buckmir

Oh Dana!
I caught my husband on multiple dating apps communicating with women. I think I’ve gathered enough information from the messages to determine that he’s been unfaithful. I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m not sure what to do. Can you move forward after infidelity?
Sincerely,
Undercover Lover


Dear Undercover Lover,
I’m always impressed when I hear about the investigative abilities that women possess. Inside every woman is
an FBI agent, patiently waiting for an opportunity to reveal the truth.

That being said, I’m deeply sorry that you had to find out about your husband’s affairs in the way that you
did. I can’t imagine the pain that you’re going through, in addition to the uncertainty about how you want to proceed
with the relationship.

It’s important to consider your course of action before you confront him. Also, prepare yourself for how you’re going
to respond to his reaction. What will you do if he tries to deny it? What will you do if he confesses? Your decision
should weigh in part on the answers to those questions. If he denies that he’s cheating, despite all the evidence
that you’ve provided to him, then I don’t see the relationship recovering from the damage. In that case, he will
not only be disrespecting you for the act, but completely disregarding your feelings and in most cases gaslighting you into believing that you’re imagining everything. In this scenario, he will most likely not take responsibility or apologize. That type of behavior is an indicator that he has no remorse for his actions and probably has a lot more character flaws than infidelity that he’s dealing with.

On the other hand, if he comes clean and begs for your forgiveness, you have to decide if you’re invested in making
it work. I believe that it’s possible for people to change, but your husband is going to have to want to change. At the
same time, just wanting to change and not taking action to evaluate negative behavior isn’t enough. He broke your
trust. If it’s reparable, he’ll have to work hard, not only on himself, but to rebuild the foundation of the relationship.

If you choose to stay, you’re embarking on an emotional journey that will no doubt surface feelings of insecurity and
resentment. Are you ready to embark on that road? Evaluate the past history of the relationship to help decide if it’s
worth it. Moving forward, think about what you’re willing to accept from your husband and what you will not tolerate.
You have a lot of healing to do because I’m sure that jumbled in with all the confusion are feelings of humiliation,
inadequacy and betrayal that you’re struggling to comprehend.

Alexander Pope said, “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” In a perfect world, your husband would apologize and
you would forgive him. I don’t have to tell you that we don’t live in a perfect world. Even if you do eventually forgive
him, you might still choose to dissolve the relationship. You have a lot of decisions to make. Remember, that you
have the power to choose how this will play out. Put yourself first. Time and reflection will give you everything you need.

Dana Buckmir aka “Oh, Dana!” Dana is the author of the memoir “Plenty of Laughs: One Woman’s Journey Navigating the Online Dating Waters. The book is a comical account on dating in the age of technology, including the compelling story of finding love online. You can find a sample of her book at https://danabuckmir.com/Dana wants to help people with their lives, love, and everything in-between! She is taking your questions at Contact@danabuckmir.com All submissions are anonymous.

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